Category Archives: theatre

How big is God ?


It was not my place but I did have an answer .  I stood  up  smudged eye shadow and a gravelled voice from shouting abuse at the duck in my local park …clearing my throat I waited for the indication to proceed …”I can tell you now  he is bigger than you think ..I once climbed up onto to his arm  and strolled across to his hand and I  say to you there is plenty of room for you all .. wrap up well it can be windy !”


A Shocking Awful Sinner


An Original Sinner … in a world where the more flawed you were the greater there was a chance for salvation, was not without its issue. As a Roman Catholic child we were told in no uncertain terms that we had to be forgiven and without that forgiveness there was no point to any of it …So we were asked to be good ….however then when we were good it meant utter scorn …The mechanism for this confusion came via the act of confession ….as a seven yr old boy I truly believed I was good …but it was frowned by all to be that good …faced with damnation for not sinning and shame upon the family name  for not being a good sinner …I found myself confessing to horrible atrocities in order that I could be contrite and forgiven … seated in the darkness the priest  in laconic mid Atlantic brogue asked if I wanted forgiveness ..In truth I didn’t ,as I have said I was good …but I had to toe the line ….”.yes father I have been a shocking awful sinner “…and so began  my litany of pillaging ,thievery,arson ,blasphemy and coveting….The priest was truly shocked at one so young being so evil ..but he was delighted to grant me absolution in the vain hope I would mend my ways …but no the church at that time did not like a redeemed sinner …so my visits to the confessional increased  and on two occasions I was responsible for three bank robberies ….slowly I was the church of The Three Patrons favourite sinner ….. The only twist to all this absolution and remorse was when I happened to meet my confessor in public places  he would cast a wary eye on me in full knowledge he could never tell anyone of the awful horrid heinous crimes I performed  in my brogue shoes and pudding bowl haircut …..and so on my deathbed  I will have to face St Peter  all the angels and several saints ,perhaps cassius  and explain that I was” a shocking awful sinner”,yes so inept and miserable that I had to invent every misdemeanour venal or other  and my guilt was a sham …..

The confounded fumbling of an adolescent Don Juan


Having spent most of my youth reading a combination of john Le carre, Louis L’Amour and Gogol…I was not in anyway equipped for what was to become the imperative concerns of my hormonal fuelled adolescence…I believed like Albert camus I was an outsider and this much lauded time of loss of innocence greeted me with an amount of Darwinen curiosity and mechanical ineptitude …I was given to believe from numerous Sunday viewings of “Ryans Daughter”, there was to be an amount of pleasure derived from the heavy handed fumbling that all courtships could necessitate…cinematography cleverly never afforded one the chance to understand how these wondrous encounter might happen…and given my own unfamiliarity with the hidden regions  of the human landscape it was bound to require an amount of improvisation….The fumble  seemed to be the main vehicle to these treasures of physical delight …I will point out that authors on this subject have used an amount of artistic licence …The few early encounters will ladies  resembled a marx brothers style grappling  and on several occasions we were reduced to asking for assistance as my journey through the undergarment reduced us both immobile …Both unfamiliar with the culmination of these encounters we smiled as we lay on the fresh cut grass of an underpass or  verge of a motorway roundabout…..panting  sweating and flushed truly believing the confounded fumbling rather than fondling were truly what foreplay involved  and in a clever ruse the forbidden fruit tasted less of mango and more of an unripe pear…neither of us ever resorted to poking or pulling at the nether regions  satisfied with our progressions with the aid of looser garments…..

The Great Fall


In this paradise he had created a perfection so fine and beautiful it hurt to think of its wonder …it’s beauty corrupted all that was good ….and in the insecurity that true beauty causes he began to doubt the eternity of his construction …and so that to whom he submitted began to withdraw …if you are as omnipotent as my mind has imagined why do you not reveal yourself why do you not act upon the multitude which we have you create ….cracks appeared and the less insidious doubt over ran its dominant cousin Fear …the man in his paradise began to feel the shift in power ..the devolution challenged his evolution ….the world was handed back to the child who had imagined this great presence ….and so limbo and purgatory collapsed  ….the tortured innocents began to return …one by one they fell. and he was now faced with a delegated burden of his imagined master ….

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The Lament for the Loss of the Last Right Whale , The prologue


A group of very tired whalers find themselves In a very tricky predicament. They have caught a right whale. ,their ship has sunk. And after several days at sea they find themselves whale in tow off the coast of Devon . During the previous days of battling with the leviathan that in fact they have caught the last Right whale .
This  great beast is the last of its kind … blubber and it’s oil is at a premium if they let it go so close to the coast it is bound to get caught .
Reminded of the terrible experiences of Jonah  they decide to save the last Right whale .  In the dead of night they arrive at Dartmouth  and  via a remarkable feet of engineering  they find a field in the adjacent hinterland Spindletop .. Despite all their misguided efforts  the whale expires  . Distraught  by the hopelessness of the plight of the whale. They begin a wake for the Loss of The Last Right Whale. Residents of surrounding villages receive news of the creatures passing and each night visit the field to bear witness…

Try to resist the urge to look


If the most tempting  things are hard to resist ….said the bus driver as he took my money …i dare you not to look…here goes  dont look at ….this …i found my eyes transfixed   ….bound ..trapped …  see i told you now go and sit down !

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