Category Archives: Stories

Windhover


Lift your arms and relax  imagine you are a windhover momentarily dazed on a summers day .. and now a quite large person in a dress picking you up gently pinches your wing tips between their thumbs and fore fingers … still …and concentrate , on the tension between your shoulder blades. ..  and then breathe and  as you begin to relax even deeper ..you slowly slump .All your weight falls  …you from the corner of your blurred vision .. you will see for the very first time …

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Dodgy men in parks 


Stranger Danger …fond memories of racing past the “odd men ” in several local parks ..shouting “feck off” as I hurtled past on my trusty velocycle and yes that is a skirt ,I was prone to fungal infections as well as swearing ,so a skirt was deemed a suitable aid to controlling said infections  and helped with my swearing also


The lovelorn pachyderm


It in truth was not our elephant ..she was not ours to keep …she on the other hand had developed an unhealthy affection for us both  ..and we were at a loss as to how let her down gently …for in truth a love lorn pachyderm can not be consoled just  like an ordinary jilted lover …so there we sat til the cover of dark …and there was she unconsoleable   and yes we were  very conscious that elephants never forget …ever mindful of what happened to barnard baptiste in Morpeth  many years ago ….


Agina


A conversation sprung up one dawn as a dear friend was being decanted from his home into an ambulance because of course his was not self ambulant ..anyway I am ruse to encourage me to broker a relationship with the ambulance technician  …yes you got it flashing lights defibrillators and the bright glare of the interior of a 2014 IVECO ambulance conversion  …I was asked “what was it I look for in my future companions ? ..I smiled as the wind coursed against my bloodshot  watering eyes and  my vest clung tightly to my belly ..It went something like this “well usually a walk in the the wind and rain ..If we have not managed to talk much when we return to the car as we remove our MUSTO jackets I look for bright glowing eyes and a visage that resembles a the pale skin of a russet apple in autumn.. The ambulance technician slammed the door ..The blue/red lights accompanied by  siren  ruptured the arriving dawn  and my vest felt entirely at a loss to attend to my musings..


What will you do if Hell is full ?


In amongst life’s up and downs .. you remember key  encounters  first day at school .. waking up in the middle of the night to discover your mother stealing your clothes and then burying them at the bottom of your garden .. getting drinks poured on your head at a party by a shy lady after your affections  and most significantly  sitting at a family do  .. when you are seated beside uncle Elizabeth …The gravy boat passes to her .. her  brittle hand grasps at your wrist … She stares you in the eyes and with spittle and stuffing hanging from her cheek  she asks “What will you do if hell is full ?”


What will you do if Hell is full ?


In amongst life’s up and downs .. you remember key  encounters  first day at school .. waking up in the middle of the night to discover your mother stealing your clothes and then burying them at the bottom of your garden .. getting drinks poured on your head at a party by a shy lady after your affections  and most significantly  sitting at a family do  .. when you are seated beside uncle Elizabeth …The gravy boat passes to her .. her  brittle hand grasps at your wrist … She stares you in the eyes and with spittle and stuffing hanging from her cheek  she asks “What will you do if hell is full ?”


The Masked Rider 


Flu jab  at the surgery  4pm. .. Dr hawker is away on holiday …  The masked rider will be dealing with his patients … I stepped into  Dr hawkers room …  Dr rider  had made  some changes …His stetson  nestled on his greasy scalp .. deep blue eyes stared out at me from behind the mask .. I sat down  and waited … It seemed like an eternity …A bead of sweat trickled down my brow …  my throat seemed parched … I caught sight of his snake skin boots … my hands were clammy  .. still silence .. my mind began to whizz  how the hell did jack palance  end up in my surgery  and more to the point he was wearing a Smith and wesson. .. I leaned forward .. slowly stood up .. my eyes darted to the door .. I lurched forward .. He  had guessed my move and landed heavily on my back .. His knee pressed against my neck I was immobile .. He reached to the table then jabbed  my arm .. stood up . opened  the door .. tipped his stetson  shouting in his southern drawl “good day  to you sir!!”  “Next!!!!!!”