Category Archives: self improvement

Suyleman the magnificent


​My consultant suggested that Sulyeman the Magnificent was outside his skill set but it was NHS policy not to entertain such forms of narcissism …Carpathia my most recent soul mate  was a reassuring presence throughout the whole procedure until she spotted my face was on upside down ..when she reassessed her recently declared life life commitment to me …she confused ,twisted curiousity for the kind of love Euriphides had drawn our attention to so many centuries ago ….she grabbed my nose as a keepsake ..jumped on the park and ride and before rush hour was spotted by traffic police hurtling along the A30 in her recently leased Renault Captur.

Advertisements

The Road to Damascus


​So a weekend on real ale was beginning to allow me take stock  a moment of reflectivity ..a recently acquired voucher found me guest at a Dartmoor health retreat …I had been subjected to a regime of detox treatments which left feeling some what ” evacuated” …a sweet creature with translucent skin  enquired after my gut flora …unfamiliar with this sort of talk  I slapped her face for such impudence …It was later when she returned with two like minded brigands offering to repopulate my colon that I decided enough was enough ….St Pauls journey on the road to damascus came to mind ..in this case my epiphany came to me in the Widdecombe arms as I rejoined a delightful dark berry cider


The Ledge of experience


It was the first time   i had attempted anything on this scale  before ..my brothers had spoken in hushed tones of a primal urge in us all …to go beyond  the imagined,  into a place that most of us  only dreamed ….today was that day ..why ? because it was there ! …with just a fresh coffee which  was prepared for me  i went through my usual haunts wondering what sort of man i might return as ….. with a deep sigh  i braced myself  and began what i can only describe as an extraordinary journey…..people went about their daily chores oblivious to the great leap of personal  achievement that was about to be performed … the air was stale and the light was strangely incandescent.  I could hear machine like hums as i reached my first ledge ….although at this point I was not elevated much, I was seperate from everything …. I pressed my belly along the ledge and shimmed forward ….in this brief moment I knew I was in uncharted territory …not one man had ever been here before …I could hear distant voices exclaim…far away I wondered what Lord Gibson would say .. a sudden crash wrenched me from my precipice  and I lost consciousness tumbling and twisting …..I was woken by a firm but polite voice ….hello  !!hello !!…I was in a police station …..Maurice  are you ok ? …. I hmmmmmed ….they looked at me with pity … not awe as I had hoped …..why maurice? Why did you do it ?    I knew this moment would occur  .. I stood up  and with lowered voice  declared  “because it is there!”….”yes maurice but the frozen food section in Morrisons?”   With the wry smile of a man who has been to the ledge of human experience  ..” I know  it has never been done and most likely will never again .”…at that moment I felt a sharp chill in my pants as some frozen peas dislodged in my breeches…..

image


Tantalus


I pressed  submit  and leant back on my chair  and  thoughts of tantalus came to mind  , then the four horses of the apocalypse   and a brief glimpse in my minds eye of the hittite empire … my phone  mmmed as a confirmation arrived  followed by a blip  as the other confirnation  confirmed  …the coffee rush was subsiding  much like miss gertrude jekylls  fictional brother, the monstrous in me subsided and i entertained the implications of what i had done in the previous timeless minutes …senior lecturer sustainable ecologies      and  then  apprentice butcher    …both  presented  moral and ethical  hurdles … hacking and butchering  the fragile tendons and ligaments of caged and confined creatures .. the foul stench of confusion …the frequent emptying of their  bowels  ….lacerations caused my now well known acerbic approach to all tasks of learning ….these students will of course have to  suffer me  in their journey  for resilience …now one the other hand  assistant butcher was another matter entirely  …i must remember  they are food  and fodder …as a creature myself i pondered what contract i would have breach  so i could wear a bloodstained  apron and develop a ruddy aspect and delight in greeting the public with a cleaver  by saying “now how can i help you today ..”while manhandling offal ..please can it be butcher? please?

image

image


Bhudda may be a Big Bully


image

Mr and Mrs Bhudda  had been  asked in to a special meeting with the head teacher of young bhudda’s school .” Well I have reason to believe that your son has been saying some rather unsettling things to his class mates . Most of which use  terms like  enlightment mindfulness  detachment  and his tendancy to dwell on this imagined journey he calls ” The Bardo state”….If this continues we may have to exclude him  I am truly sorry  and finally we do have a clear dress code which he has failed to comply with ? ” …


Me and Mr Earnshaw


image

Brrrng brrrrng brrrng …Mr Earnshaw ? Yes Mr O’CONNELL  a rather delicate  matter   not sure if I should talk on the phone ….anyway further to my understanding that you are sort a criminal overlord  or at least active in the west Cornwall area as far as St Denis. YES  well we had a board of governor’s meeting last night  and it appears someone has been dipping into the new library fund  and according to Geoff the treasurer   Jimmy May have used monies to buy something and now it turns out what he bought was Nothing!!!!….Mr Earnshaw get to the point ? Well Mr OCONNELL we were wondering if you and Anto might have a quiet word if you no what I mean ….Okay Mr Earnshaw quite quiet or total silence ?? Oh dear well it is for the children and if the ends justify the means  might you do total silence …I tell you what Mr Earnshaw if a certain young lady gets star pupil of class 5 this month  consider it done …


Mr Earnshaw and Me


image image Brrrng brrrng brrrng ….A rather  desperate voice asked me if it was me …I replied it was …”Thank goodness  my apologies Mr OCONNELL. I know you are a busy man …but following yesterday’s conversation regarding your daughter disclosing to the school assembly that you were a bank robber ..and my follow up conversation  to confirm you were …Well Miss Williams your daughter’s class teacher  called me late yesterday evening in tears  from her beginners pilates for people with weak bladder control ..she was unconsoleable …and  it turns out your daughter broke into.the schoolsafe   and removed several rather sensitive documents regarding myself and miss Williams  and a regretable event at Chapel Porth cafe last year ….so Mr OCONNELL  you must understand how unacceptable this is ?”…I waited and began “So Mr Earnshaw you are telling me that my 9 year old child was able to compromise the security of  the institution entrusted upon you by the parents and our rather  ludicrous government …might I suggest that you and miss Williams  reconsider the  where any concern might lie  in this rather embarrassing event …I look forward to meeting you both at the governor’s AGM next week ..as I said I may be a bit late as I have a heist on that afternoon good day Mr Earnshaw !!”