Category Archives: relationships

The head of Alfredo Garcia 


​I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”


COURTSHIP


​Mr and Mrs Lynch from further down the road ended up spending much of their savings on therapy for their eldest daughter right into adulthood who in previous postings suffered from the rather brutish attentions of my elder brother who in juvenile courtship rituals chased the chosen focus of his infant ardour by attempting to set the aforementioned daughter alight …Credit to both parents as they remained civil when later as teenage boys clouds of awkwardness meant their daughters were painfully avoided….


RIP


​RIP JOHNNY NO SLEEVES…Much to everyones delight johnny was found in an abandoned citreon  zantia during routine maintenance of one of the locks of the grand canal .Johnny as you all know fell foul of the notorious Jacnockey sisters and their guile resulting in the now famous incidents of Dolphins Barn in the 1990s The sister ruled a reign of terror in the world of Debt collection and their private live was much the same . I had been adked to deliver a few words on his behalf as he wsd being dropped into the prepared hole that had been dug for him in Mount Jerome Cemetery several years ealier . Carlotta his sister appeared to be the only one genuinely upset by his demise  ..it was only later at the afters that this was clarified when she throttled me for turning up to her brother funeral in a matching dress  which seemed to fit me better than hers …Paco her father resued me and suggest I clear off before he pulled off my eyelids with aset of oven gloves …


The Brief Encounter


BRIEF ENCOUNTER …a gaudy neon sign just off shaftesbury avenue announced  the “Discreet dating service for people already in relationships “….the brochure promised  total anonymity for those who wanted to have honest and meaningful relationships without their partners finding out ..I had been a member for several months when Taylor of ..member liaison , asked me in …apparently several members complained;  using words such “deceit and betrayed” ..Taylors prominent teeth and hair scrunch made it difficult to concentrate ..basically my dates had discovered I  was not actually cheating on any one and felt  I was not being honest by being honest ? The moral high ground was being fracked … anyway the long and the short of it was unless I found a girlfriend  (fruit didnt count I was not allowed have an affair) , membership would be cancelled and they would publically reveal my deceits. ..

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DELMONICOS


Well a rather wild night in Delmonicos lastnight   Miss Nesbitt   was charming to say the least …the highlight of the evening  was the blackout and waking up several hours later  on a grassy verge roaring laughing

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The Last Supper


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Mother insisted this would be the last supper.


A blind date


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We had  known each other for sometime …I had been invited by my colleagues at work for a meal ..partners friends were included ..we had been seated in an ante room  waiting for our table to be made ready ….”So Maurice how did you and Wendy meet ?”…Wendy squeezed my hand …I believe drink may have got the better of me  “Well I was due to be hung for Treason sometime in the late 1800s  Wendy’s face caught my eye when I was being escorted through the baying crowds ..as I was climbing up the gibbet ..I saw her once again …shortly I found the noose was drawing my last breathe and there was Wendy trying to remove my teeth”  Wendy laughed nervously “I thought he was dead !”