Category Archives: phone calls

The Thieving Magpie overture


​Well I don’t often get visitors to the farm ..and this weekend was the exception ..retired police commissioner was using some of his misappropriated funds to spend some quality time away from his family …we had kept in touch over the years …he often messaged me on bebo threatening to visit …we sat sipping chai lattes down by the Carp Pond ..as we reminisced my neighbour covered from head to toe in tin foil with three aperture s two eyeholes and an mouth piece appeared from within the arboretum …she deferred sitting for obvious reasons …she proposed we were an odd friendship …The police commissioner began to tell the tale of how at some point in the 1990’s he was called to London ‘ s Sadlers Wells  to address an incident of guerilla ballet …he described a more youthful.and less corpulent young man  in sheer black lycra   who was prancing across an already full stage …despite rapturous applause and a rather provocative interpretation of Swan Lake I had to be immobilised with a tranquiliser…..It was later that night in the interview suite that the commissioner first realised the extent of public nuisance I posed ….”In the meantime is there anything we can get you Mr OConnell ?” ….as if on queque from the shade   we harmonised “A chai latte !!! and anything by Rossini !!!!”….rolling about laughing .My neighbour  made her excuses  and just as she was out of earshot …we both bellowed “I don’t suppose you have the Thieving Magpie Overture????”   ….

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BRRNNG BRRNG


Sitting at my desk writing a more believable resume …..bringg bringgg  hello ……hello is that you mr oconnell? it is danielle  from vospers  your car is ready for collection  ….thankyou indeed …mr oconnell i thought i should mention  greg our technician discovered during the repair …your brake fluid changed colour  and both rear tyres have gone missing …and your rear view mirror looks as if someone tried to pull it off …a pause…unsuccessfully …would you like greg to make good  his discoveries ..mr oconnell …for an extra 375 plus vat …thank you danielle ..if you can assure greg he has done more than i had originally expected  and i will use some WD40  on the missing tyres … you do realise you cant drive the car in this state! …listen danielle ..if i get my hands on greg he wont be in a fit state to FIX anyone elses car …thankyou ..you have been most helpful ……….

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