Category Archives: medical disorders

The Road to Damascus


​So a weekend on real ale was beginning to allow me take stock  a moment of reflectivity ..a recently acquired voucher found me guest at a Dartmoor health retreat …I had been subjected to a regime of detox treatments which left feeling some what ” evacuated” …a sweet creature with translucent skin  enquired after my gut flora …unfamiliar with this sort of talk  I slapped her face for such impudence …It was later when she returned with two like minded brigands offering to repopulate my colon that I decided enough was enough ….St Pauls journey on the road to damascus came to mind ..in this case my epiphany came to me in the Widdecombe arms as I rejoined a delightful dark berry cider


I dare not show my face


​Well I dare not show my face …. wel, I couldnt as I sold it …but you know what I mean ..life under bandages was a little claustrophobic and my eye wept continously for as I discovered eyelids are very handy … it was the nose I miss tne most as sneezing was a disaster. ..hey how ..mustnt grumble   ..


Would you mind terribly ?


Would you mind terribly if ???…perhaps not …alright here goes ..would you mind terribly if I saw your tongue ??…I had been collecting my large animal tranquiliser for several months from this rather ambigious pharmacist …and without fail on each encounter she shirked from direct eye contact and the small talk usual with the patient on his  receiving  of his weekly supply of 5kilos of horse sedative….I reached deep inside my shallow reserve and confronted her in the only way I knew ….”shew me your tongue my dear pharmaceutical provisioner ?”

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The Second Opinion


Well I wont bother you  with what happened with the other advice but the eighth opinion was  to be from the wife of the man who invented the human Panini maker ..she had just received confirmation from the Welcome Trust, who were going to fund her to fill her tears ducts with graphite and she was going to cry for two.years , we were so excited about her news that I didnt bother asking her opinion .

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Ocular


So how are these maurice.?…you might feel some discomfort  in the beginning but as dr gursewak explained your optic nerves are giving you a less than realistic view of our reality !!! …..I winced abit as they were far from the scholarly horn rims I had expected … any problems  and we will make adjustments on your next visit !!! … dr gursewak  sat in an adjacent office   making copius notes  and occassionally glancing at me  …he had expressed concern  that my VIEW of the world  was not a physical defect ..but  a manifestation of something non ocular . It took some assistance to find my car with my new glasses  and noticeably I was  now a less than confident driver …to test everything  I arrived at a KFC drive through…five attempts and I found myself in front of a rasping speaker ….ack!!!ack!!ack!!! Please !  It rasped ….. a zinger tower burger and a pepsi  no fries because they are always floppy thankyou ! As I peered out of my optics…  despite there being only one way …forward , my ocular adjusters made even that hard …shortly I found myself staring  at the food hatch  in the floodlit dusk …  there was an unmerciful scream and my food was flung  at me …. I tried to explain   but it was too much for the trainee food operative …drenched in pepsi and chickhen bits I managed to  leave the car in a ditch  and crawled  home ….Dr Gursewak did say this might happen on occasions in the first days…

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Abraham keeps bad company


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There was a little bit of explaining to do . So you took Isaac out than   a fella with wings appeared  acting behalf of a supreme being asked you to do him a favour .You didn’t ask for a bit more detail .Abraham  we have to talk !!!!!!!  Isaac off to bed we will speak on the morrow  be happy your dad didn’t actually chop.you up into little pieces and stuff you down a well …oh Abraham I am not sure I can cope !!!!


The confounded fumbling of an adolescent Don Juan


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Having spent most of my youth reading a combination of john Le carre, Louis L’Amour and Gogol…I was not in anyway equipped for what was to become the imperative concerns of my hormonal fuelled adolescence…I believed like Albert camus I was an outsider and this much lauded time of loss of innocence greeted me with an amount of Darwinen curiosity and mechanical ineptitude …I was given to believe from numerous Sunday viewings of “Ryans Daughter”, there was to be an amount of pleasure derived from the heavy handed fumbling that all courtships could necessitate…cinematography cleverly never afforded one the chance to understand how these wondrous encounter might happen…and given my own unfamiliarity with the hidden regions  of the human landscape it was bound to require an amount of improvisation….The fumble  seemed to be the main vehicle to these treasures of physical delight …I will point out that authors on this subject have used an amount of artistic licence …The few early encounters will ladies  resembled a marx brothers style grappling  and on several occasions we were reduced to asking for assistance as my journey through the undergarment reduced us both immobile …Both unfamiliar with the culmination of these encounters we smiled as we lay on the fresh cut grass of an underpass or  verge of a motorway roundabout…..panting  sweating and flushed truly believing the confounded fumbling rather than fondling were truly what foreplay involved  and in a clever ruse the forbidden fruit tasted less of mango and more of an unripe pear…neither of us ever resorted to poking or pulling at the nether regions  satisfied with our progressions with the aid of looser garments…..