Category Archives: Love

Suyleman the magnificent

​My consultant suggested that Sulyeman the Magnificent was outside his skill set but it was NHS policy not to entertain such forms of narcissism …Carpathia my most recent soul mate  was a reassuring presence throughout the whole procedure until she spotted my face was on upside down ..when she reassessed her recently declared life life commitment to me …she confused ,twisted curiousity for the kind of love Euriphides had drawn our attention to so many centuries ago ….she grabbed my nose as a keepsake ..jumped on the park and ride and before rush hour was spotted by traffic police hurtling along the A30 in her recently leased Renault Captur.


The head of Alfredo Garcia 

​I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”


​Mr and Mrs Lynch from further down the road ended up spending much of their savings on therapy for their eldest daughter right into adulthood who in previous postings suffered from the rather brutish attentions of my elder brother who in juvenile courtship rituals chased the chosen focus of his infant ardour by attempting to set the aforementioned daughter alight …Credit to both parents as they remained civil when later as teenage boys clouds of awkwardness meant their daughters were painfully avoided….

Fumbling hand

​”It is not a hand I see fumbling to take advantage of my lilly white flesh ” she said as her eye caught mine in my recently purchased mirror, as I in truth had my hand just doing just that …”oh no it is not is it  the fury of a  tempest of outrageous passion that might sully my flesh  as so written in the many novellas of Barbara Cartland? …I was a little wary and loosened my grip on the aforementioned lilly white flesh ..”which one exactly? “I enquired and suggested she return her delightful corpulence to a long chemise draped across a recently purchased chaise longue ….lighting the room with an incandescent light blub I revealed in the lowlight an extensive collection of pot boilers by the same said authoress….It was clear to the young woman that my fumbling was well informed by this writer of international repute …..The evening progressed well and there was no mention of Richard Chamberlain


Sitting in the parlour the forensic  team were sifting through the photographs on the mantlepiece . I reached over  and relieved the inspector of one particular photograph . All eyes watched intently  I smiled and looked as if I was attempting to remember the moments which the image had frozen in time. “Melanoma ” who worked in the local telephone exchange and myself  had extended our vacances for an extra week in Monte Carlo “Excelsior ” and each night I insisted we danced ..The night in question she had falken in a narcoleptic state . I proud and of anglo irish stock, full of hubris, dragged her around the dance for another two hours before making our excuses and retiring ..what the image had not captured was me slinging mel on shoulder and struggling to the lift ..



Making landfall four months later  I braced myself for the wretched enquiries ..Where have you been ? Where were the rest of passengers and your hair has changed  colour! did really you  eat most of them ? ( I thought the morality of eating your fellow survivors was more palate able then a coconut milk fuelled massacre including the blind hyenas and cliff shoving”  …..that night in consular residence a telegram  arrived   “P”..with the following message printed in purple ink ” I have been waiting being a cannibal doesnt change anything ”



The Brief Encounter

BRIEF ENCOUNTER …a gaudy neon sign just off shaftesbury avenue announced  the “Discreet dating service for people already in relationships “….the brochure promised  total anonymity for those who wanted to have honest and meaningful relationships without their partners finding out ..I had been a member for several months when Taylor of ..member liaison , asked me in …apparently several members complained;  using words such “deceit and betrayed” ..Taylors prominent teeth and hair scrunch made it difficult to concentrate ..basically my dates had discovered I  was not actually cheating on any one and felt  I was not being honest by being honest ? The moral high ground was being fracked … anyway the long and the short of it was unless I found a girlfriend  (fruit didnt count I was not allowed have an affair) , membership would be cancelled and they would publically reveal my deceits. ..