Category Archives: humour

Forking Spoons !!


​Language we were repeatedly tolf was a beautiful and wonderful thing it was not to be abused.there should be healthy respect until one had a full command of its opportunities …sounds could bring a tear to the most stern face …It is language…


We needs some smiles !


​”We need somebody who smiles” I explained to a particularly skitish looking applicant …”You just don’t strike me as an enthusiastic team player a born communicator  someone who naturally makes people feel at ease … I am slightly sorry but in this instance we will not be furthering this application.” He looked genuinely disappointed. . ” Is there any constructive suggestions I can take on board to improve my chances in the future  Mr Mauricio OConnell.?” My  colleagues lowered their heads  and fiddled with their pens.. I paused reached across the table and gestured with my hand…” Well you can get rid of the beak for a start ..good day! ”  and shewed him to the door.


We lay on the Cobbles 


​We lay on the cobbles like fleshly landed pilchards and it was was not at all that bad way to start this crisp autumnal morning ..then a fresh coffee … breeches on and off to work ..the life of the maritime and coastal villager


The Thieving Magpie overture


​Well I don’t often get visitors to the farm ..and this weekend was the exception ..retired police commissioner was using some of his misappropriated funds to spend some quality time away from his family …we had kept in touch over the years …he often messaged me on bebo threatening to visit …we sat sipping chai lattes down by the Carp Pond ..as we reminisced my neighbour covered from head to toe in tin foil with three aperture s two eyeholes and an mouth piece appeared from within the arboretum …she deferred sitting for obvious reasons …she proposed we were an odd friendship …The police commissioner began to tell the tale of how at some point in the 1990’s he was called to London ‘ s Sadlers Wells  to address an incident of guerilla ballet …he described a more youthful.and less corpulent young man  in sheer black lycra   who was prancing across an already full stage …despite rapturous applause and a rather provocative interpretation of Swan Lake I had to be immobilised with a tranquiliser…..It was later that night in the interview suite that the commissioner first realised the extent of public nuisance I posed ….”In the meantime is there anything we can get you Mr OConnell ?” ….as if on queque from the shade   we harmonised “A chai latte !!! and anything by Rossini !!!!”….rolling about laughing .My neighbour  made her excuses  and just as she was out of earshot …we both bellowed “I don’t suppose you have the Thieving Magpie Overture????”   ….


Uncle Elizabeth


​Our Uncle elizabeth and Auntie morgan   played host to our family each summer in the idyll of their farm in the southwest of Ireland  …while fuel prices soared and armoured cars delivered money to the banks …..ourselves  and our cousins dressed in the trophies of my uncles participation in ww2 …my aunts contribution were mounds of purple hair  discarded by her mobile hairdresser … the german   helmet and desert shorts were most popular ….despite my fathers protest at our attraction to siding with the enemy   we found ourselves very  triumphant as baddies … although none of us choose  to be adolf….we seemed unconvinced by the allied expeditionary force ….


An Invitation to Dine 


​Invited over to my cannibal next door neighbours …asked them what I should bring ., rather ominous message on my voucemail ” Do not  worry, just youself should be fine !”


Duck of Penryn 


​Was reunited today with the Duck of Penryn …a rather delinquent two headed mallard that frequently washed itself in muddy creek in the early 2000’s however it had fallen in with a local gang of rogue fowl terrorising mother and toddler groups in the area until  I was asked i to ntervene ..eventually I stood on the little fella after he shat (sorry thats what he did ) on a 6 month olds head before stealing a Farleys Rusk from the childs mouth  …distressing as it was for the duck  I have to say its been a journey …a few tears and a jammie dodger …on my way home now …nite nite duckie. If you care to visit penryn museum to see the plague rat you might ask at the adjacent town hall to see ” Duckie ”