Category Archives: domestic situations

Forking Spoons !!

​Language we were repeatedly tolf was a beautiful and wonderful thing it was not to be abused.there should be healthy respect until one had a full command of its opportunities …sounds could bring a tear to the most stern face …It is language…


The head of Alfredo Garcia 

​I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”

The Ledge of experience

It was the first time   i had attempted anything on this scale  before brothers had spoken in hushed tones of a primal urge in us all …to go beyond  the imagined,  into a place that most of us  only dreamed ….today was that day ..why ? because it was there ! …with just a fresh coffee which  was prepared for me  i went through my usual haunts wondering what sort of man i might return as ….. with a deep sigh  i braced myself  and began what i can only describe as an extraordinary journey…..people went about their daily chores oblivious to the great leap of personal  achievement that was about to be performed … the air was stale and the light was strangely incandescent.  I could hear machine like hums as i reached my first ledge ….although at this point I was not elevated much, I was seperate from everything …. I pressed my belly along the ledge and shimmed forward ….in this brief moment I knew I was in uncharted territory …not one man had ever been here before …I could hear distant voices exclaim…far away I wondered what Lord Gibson would say .. a sudden crash wrenched me from my precipice  and I lost consciousness tumbling and twisting …..I was woken by a firm but polite voice ….hello  !!hello !!…I was in a police station …..Maurice  are you ok ? …. I hmmmmmed ….they looked at me with pity … not awe as I had hoped …..why maurice? Why did you do it ?    I knew this moment would occur  .. I stood up  and with lowered voice  declared  “because it is there!”….”yes maurice but the frozen food section in Morrisons?”   With the wry smile of a man who has been to the ledge of human experience  ..” I know  it has never been done and most likely will never again .”…at that moment I felt a sharp chill in my pants as some frozen peas dislodged in my breeches…..


The Brief Encounter

BRIEF ENCOUNTER …a gaudy neon sign just off shaftesbury avenue announced  the “Discreet dating service for people already in relationships “….the brochure promised  total anonymity for those who wanted to have honest and meaningful relationships without their partners finding out ..I had been a member for several months when Taylor of ..member liaison , asked me in …apparently several members complained;  using words such “deceit and betrayed” ..Taylors prominent teeth and hair scrunch made it difficult to concentrate ..basically my dates had discovered I  was not actually cheating on any one and felt  I was not being honest by being honest ? The moral high ground was being fracked … anyway the long and the short of it was unless I found a girlfriend  (fruit didnt count I was not allowed have an affair) , membership would be cancelled and they would publically reveal my deceits. ..



Mr Earnshaw and Me

image image Brrrng brrrng brrrng ….A rather  desperate voice asked me if it was me …I replied it was …”Thank goodness  my apologies Mr OCONNELL. I know you are a busy man …but following yesterday’s conversation regarding your daughter disclosing to the school assembly that you were a bank robber ..and my follow up conversation  to confirm you were …Well Miss Williams your daughter’s class teacher  called me late yesterday evening in tears  from her beginners pilates for people with weak bladder control ..she was unconsoleable …and  it turns out your daughter broke into.the schoolsafe   and removed several rather sensitive documents regarding myself and miss Williams  and a regretable event at Chapel Porth cafe last year ….so Mr OCONNELL  you must understand how unacceptable this is ?”…I waited and began “So Mr Earnshaw you are telling me that my 9 year old child was able to compromise the security of  the institution entrusted upon you by the parents and our rather  ludicrous government …might I suggest that you and miss Williams  reconsider the  where any concern might lie  in this rather embarrassing event …I look forward to meeting you both at the governor’s AGM next week I said I may be a bit late as I have a heist on that afternoon good day Mr Earnshaw !!”

A Shocking Awful Sinner


An Original Sinner … in a world where the more flawed you were the greater there was a chance for salvation, was not without its issue. As a Roman Catholic child we were told in no uncertain terms that we had to be forgiven and without that forgiveness there was no point to any of it …So we were asked to be good ….however then when we were good it meant utter scorn …The mechanism for this confusion came via the act of confession ….as a seven yr old boy I truly believed I was good …but it was frowned by all to be that good …faced with damnation for not sinning and shame upon the family name  for not being a good sinner …I found myself confessing to horrible atrocities in order that I could be contrite and forgiven … seated in the darkness the priest  in laconic mid Atlantic brogue asked if I wanted forgiveness ..In truth I didn’t ,as I have said I was good …but I had to toe the line ….”.yes father I have been a shocking awful sinner “…and so began  my litany of pillaging ,thievery,arson ,blasphemy and coveting….The priest was truly shocked at one so young being so evil ..but he was delighted to grant me absolution in the vain hope I would mend my ways …but no the church at that time did not like a redeemed sinner …so my visits to the confessional increased  and on two occasions I was responsible for three bank robberies ….slowly I was the church of The Three Patrons favourite sinner ….. The only twist to all this absolution and remorse was when I happened to meet my confessor in public places  he would cast a wary eye on me in full knowledge he could never tell anyone of the awful horrid heinous crimes I performed  in my brogue shoes and pudding bowl haircut …..and so on my deathbed  I will have to face St Peter  all the angels and several saints ,perhaps cassius  and explain that I was” a shocking awful sinner”,yes so inept and miserable that I had to invent every misdemeanour venal or other  and my guilt was a sham …..

The Sins of our Fathers


Glistening red ,crimson dripping with dull plopping I stood framed by the rotten daylight of this turbulent day …eyes lifted to greet my defiant arrival  at the bracelets for beginners workshop… Barbara  aghast split an endless cascade of turquoise glass beads ….Diane  looked to me with utter disappointment ….she placed a gentle hand on the shoulders of those who feared the worst …”Maurice what have you done ?….please tell me what could possibly have happened …she’s manoeuvred her self into a more aggressive stance. ,it was clear to all that this was the crisis. a tipping point , a moment of no return ….at the table the bull nose pliers disappeared like rats in a grain silo when the door is opened ….my head lifted …eyes bloodshot from days playing can’t crush …I knew that perhaps I was in that difficult place … dry mouth breathed the first most difficult words “I have been bad …very bad …I am truly truly ashamed of myself “….I had everyone’s attention now …”Maurice it is over now …what is done cannot be undone   can you step outside  and we will begin to find a way through this carnage ..can you do that for me Maurice?”….I  looked at her ..”yes Maurice I know your are in a difficult place now …we will find a way “…….under her breathe she whispered whoever left out the poster paints ..I told you this would happen ……bloody Maurice and his biblical melodrama …he is not  I repeat allowed near the paint cupboard”…..

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