Category Archives: dating

Suyleman the magnificent


​My consultant suggested that Sulyeman the Magnificent was outside his skill set but it was NHS policy not to entertain such forms of narcissism …Carpathia my most recent soul mate  was a reassuring presence throughout the whole procedure until she spotted my face was on upside down ..when she reassessed her recently declared life life commitment to me …she confused ,twisted curiousity for the kind of love Euriphides had drawn our attention to so many centuries ago ….she grabbed my nose as a keepsake ..jumped on the park and ride and before rush hour was spotted by traffic police hurtling along the A30 in her recently leased Renault Captur.

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The head of Alfredo Garcia 


​I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”


COURTSHIP


​Mr and Mrs Lynch from further down the road ended up spending much of their savings on therapy for their eldest daughter right into adulthood who in previous postings suffered from the rather brutish attentions of my elder brother who in juvenile courtship rituals chased the chosen focus of his infant ardour by attempting to set the aforementioned daughter alight …Credit to both parents as they remained civil when later as teenage boys clouds of awkwardness meant their daughters were painfully avoided….


Fumbling hand


​”It is not a hand I see fumbling to take advantage of my lilly white flesh ” she said as her eye caught mine in my recently purchased mirror, as I in truth had my hand just doing just that …”oh no it is not is it  the fury of a  tempest of outrageous passion that might sully my flesh  as so written in the many novellas of Barbara Cartland? …I was a little wary and loosened my grip on the aforementioned lilly white flesh ..”which one exactly? “I enquired and suggested she return her delightful corpulence to a long chemise draped across a recently purchased chaise longue ….lighting the room with an incandescent light blub I revealed in the lowlight an extensive collection of pot boilers by the same said authoress….It was clear to the young woman that my fumbling was well informed by this writer of international repute …..The evening progressed well and there was no mention of Richard Chamberlain


I dare not show my face


​Well I dare not show my face …. wel, I couldnt as I sold it …but you know what I mean ..life under bandages was a little claustrophobic and my eye wept continously for as I discovered eyelids are very handy … it was the nose I miss tne most as sneezing was a disaster. ..hey how ..mustnt grumble   ..


A blind date


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We had  known each other for sometime …I had been invited by my colleagues at work for a meal ..partners friends were included ..we had been seated in an ante room  waiting for our table to be made ready ….”So Maurice how did you and Wendy meet ?”…Wendy squeezed my hand …I believe drink may have got the better of me  “Well I was due to be hung for Treason sometime in the late 1800s  Wendy’s face caught my eye when I was being escorted through the baying crowds ..as I was climbing up the gibbet ..I saw her once again …shortly I found the noose was drawing my last breathe and there was Wendy trying to remove my teeth”  Wendy laughed nervously “I thought he was dead !”