Monthly Archives: August 2017

Smeared in Delusion


My mother  was convinced of my fathers unability to progress his career in politics .he smeared in delusion was for all intents and purpose an ideal candidate …family of a military background  well educated ..and a matching gastric capacity ..his lineage went as far a the first baronet of maulagh and kilbeggan .. his gait  meant he overshadowed most of his peers …mother could not disuade him ..from within her nicotine nest of fumes she would whisper into her barrys tea …bloody no amount of social democracy will alleviate your civil ambition ….my siblings  were and are at a loss as to her wisdom ….the clue … once she accidently let slip she was a frequent participant in the machinations of the knights of columbanus !!!!!!!!

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The Pincer and the Palm 


In an interview recently on The performed Activity in Public Space  ..we lamented the gradual decline of synchronised gestures brought on by localised climatic conditions …here a lovely example ..people connected momentarily  by a firm grip of the brim on their hats …two significant grips …pincer and flat palm …


The Bird and the Bee


Still on but not pre occupied by the reproductive processes …my father took me for a walk and explained in a form of flat narrative  how a baby was made ..a man ..a woman ..a doody dums and  a ninny   …several months later a baby …of course this revelation was not  entirely unsatisfactory  …one night my father said tomorrow we will collect your sister …..my brother and myself keen to discover the truth  woke early and with father raced to the nursing home ….resembling an old boarding house  each mother to be had a room and a cot …father urged us upstairs …on the landing there was a choice of rooms …my brother and myself  were ushered into see my mother …just as we entered   we both glimpsed a sight  which even to this day has influenced our joint understanding of childbirth ….we both were  aghast and in fact said nothing during those first encounters with our sister …..later that evening relieved of adult company ….we discussed the connection between  the pneumatic drill ..ladders ..lumphammers  and the extraction of my sister from my mother…..now i can hear mild mockery of our innocence  which i would allow   except …that on the arrival of my brothers first born ….my brother 27yrs later …i sat in the ward …Ross  looked at me and said  have you seen  whats across the hall ….yes in that quarter of a century  the dark side of childbirth was still.alive and well and still as much of a mystery to us both …


So where do you think you are going today ?


So where do you think you are going ?I had turned up at our local  runway  quite early  …seeing as it was flying I decided to dress accordingly  …my reflection  in the glass of the border control   revealed  me in all my glory ..flight suit  goggles the lot ….a stern but confused face   revealed i may be in for one of my encounters  …..I will just get my supervisor  mr ehhhh???… i took.a seat and proceeded to roll.a cigarette …. my presence  was now causing some commotion ….  a truculent  young man  in an illfitting suit walked upto me in the foyer …. Mr OConnell    my name is ethelred  how can we help you today …reaching into my flight suit i pulled out my flight plan … leaning on the table … i explained all going well i would get a good cross wind land in Balldonnell by lunch  refuel  and god willing  I would   see the Magillycuddy Reeks before supper … ethelred looked at my paperwork then at me then at his watch … “I tell you whats probably best mr OConnell   if you just get the 950 to glasgow central  hope off at bristol  have a chat with  the chaps at the actual airport  and i am sure you will see the gullygilly reeks of you dont get locked up in the meantime ….just for the record   this is a royal mail depot  ..now clear off !!!!!!”


The Bay Horse


To the very beautiful opulent dame in the Bay Horse  last night, who had her purse ..iPhone ..High heels .lipstick..Gucci sunglasses chenille wrap and voucher for free  colonic irrigation using extra virgin olive oil ..all purloined by a large 6ft 4 irish raconteur with a inflated sense of self who lives on the farm  just up the road …he wants to know where your eyeliner is ?


Health Retreat


So a weekend on real ale was beginning to allow me take stock  a moment of reflectivity ..a recently acquired voucher found me guest at a Dartmoor health retreat …I had been subjected to a regime of detox treatments which left feeling some what ” evacuated” …a sweet creature with translucent skin  enquired after my gut flora …unfamiliar with this sort of talk  I slapped her face for such impudence …It was later when she returned with two like minded brigands offering to repopulate my colon that I decided enough was enough ….St Pauls journey on the road to damascus came to mind ..in this case my epiphany came to me in the Widdecombe arms as I rejoined a delightful dark berry cider


Head of Alfredo Garcia


I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”