Monthly Archives: June 2017

The much misunderstood  mollusc 


“The much misunderstood mollusc” a spate of slanderous pamphlets with that title are currently being circulated in the leafy hinterland of cheltenham by a the much aggrieved husband of Renata Vargas who discovered Renata and myself engaging in electronic correspondence regarding the esoteric nature of the Kraken . I asking my readers in Cheltenham to take the defamatory remarks with a pinch of salt …we are all adults and of course I would never use  mango chutney in the manner suggested by Neville ..


Jean luc 


Jean luc was harping on about his existential crisis ..spitting in my ear .’..but maurice how can the soul exist in this collapsed modernity? ….I struggled with my straps   grabbed him by the throat …”.listen here you melancholic creep if I don’t get these t straps done ….your soul will be the least of your “crises”!!!!……


Short back and sides 


“So what what shall it be ?” ..” Short back and sides!!!” ..and can you keep an eye out for three  fellows I suspect have been trying to set up a small holding on my bald patch ….cheers !!


I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE


Yesterday ..as part of my job I gate crashed a meeting I was asked leave …The body language was explicit …two years in the big  boys part of the gym …my security licence….two workshops on assertiveness for the deluded ….and my deep listening training …I walk forward  smiling sat on a chair bunched up …”don’t mind me I will say nothing “…..then  whispered to me ” how did you know !!!”I winked  karma  manifesting   call it what you want I just keep popping up where I am not … a rather grumpy overbearing busybody  looked at us both and ended up asking at the close of meeting  “Who do you work for “..  Stood up a bit too fast broke my belt “I am the light,  I am a human conditioner ,I work for people called HUMANITY “I bowed  slapped print button on the photocopier ..and ran for the hills …


DRUCILLA STRAIN 


THE SEDUCTION OF DRUCILLA STRAIN. …Drucilla was clearly depleted from our evenings entertainments ..she lay nestled on the settee.  Her mouth and curiously her toes were stained with orange residue of real cheese flavour cornsnacks …Drucilla had confessed she felt our relations were a match best made in heaven …In a sober tone I explained my parents had promised me to the devil since I was an infant, so we had best make the most of are mortal existence ..we had spent that night playing extreme demon patience  and despite many shifts in her attire I had managed to ignore the obvious hints she was making regarding alternatives to cards …clearly the cornsnacks had not satiated a more carnal desire …this was plainly clear to see from the many discarded packets on the floor .I had managed to dip my hankerchief in a glass of vimto in order to mop any cheesy  make up from visage ..Drucilla exhausted from her overt coquettish presentation had collapsed at approximately 5.45am .  I found my Monster inc blanket draped it upon her with just her orange toes peeping out …Drucilla was not of this world and clearly patience was not a game she was familiar with …  I withdrew to the pantry to prepare  a bowl porridge for when she rose …


BUSBY`S GIRLS 


One of the many conditions I was allowed join the girls with Busby was that I wear dark dance shoes ..seen here during one of the many hours of gruelling rehearsals .my fine calf and elongated femur caused much jealousy among the troupe , and frequently my shorts were maliciously secreted so I had to spend studio class in my irish underpants …dedpite this Busby saw my special talent and to this day am still familiar with many of those infamous dance sequences. …


Muriel Finley


“The Seduction of Muriel Finley ” ….Muriel had the misfortune of loose knee caps ( Yes) and frequently found herself on the stage floor writhing in agony as we slotted her knees back in place …Muriel  like Maureen Ohara   had a fondness for overrated Hollywood actors  …Muriel found my attention a bit overbearing and was very reluctant to wear less revealing clothing ….. never the less I was determined that with a decent pair of dungarees and a blouse we might make a fine couple ..The two occasions she agreed to an escorted date both her knee caps slide behind her joints and even I could not bring my self to exploit the intimacy of yanking her legs back in place to steal a kiss …and so eventually I gave up   Muriel  moved to Fulton County just outside the city of Atlanta  her children frequently return my correspondence insisting she has been dead for several decades …