Father’s oral cavities struck fear into the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable members of the family ..Big maurice in his prime commanded saucepans of boiled potatoes now in his dotage would ..snore in his fatigued settle …His jaw dropped to a gape, slowly revealing a ivory cavities resembling the lesser mountains of the himalyan mountain range..this combined with the otherworldly sound of his larynx rasping reduced the infant audience to tears …The adult would with the assistance of duct tape close and tape up the cavity filled cavern …a new sinual trumpeting would commence with nasal hair flapping like prayer flags from each nostril with each sonorous exhale
Monthly Archives: April 2017
We were innocent much like those first tenants in the garden of Eden ..we without shame guilt fear or a modern sense of self we lived like eagles and our inner thoughts not more advanced than that of the hag fish ..mirrors were reflections and never geniflections .we were beyond pride without arrogance we were with the gods .mother dressed us without concern for taste or fashion , her merry scissors trimmed our hair based on whatever TV programme (mainly bewitched) she had recently watched and although most of the siblings were boys there was no reason for societal norms to dictate how her boys should look . We were like a lost tribe beyond society .It was father’s Olympus camera that introduced a kind of boitrius it was not a sweet delicious desert wine that it created so at the tender age of 15 were spat out of our shangri la and so I asked mother if that autumn I might discard my rather airy and liberating gingham dresses but more importantly if the bob could desist from that moment on .
FRESH WATER SWIMMING…. not sure where to start with this one….. sat quietly in the corner of workshop.. the door is kicked open a rather manic gallerist …bursting into the room rupturing the late afternoon tranquilty …. with arms failing , leggings and hat merges two conversations into one ..”I must have this! I must have this! …when can I have this ? …. with… “you must understand how awful it is to have a swimming pool that no one uses “…..in mid sentence she sees my legs and then me “ooh ” after very excited introductions I return to my quiet corner … I profer how much I enjoy fresh water swimming ….. oohhh the gallerist replies …. What is not apparent in my statement is the recent discovery that pleasure and fear are processed in similar ways (or so I was recently persuaded to understand ) ..I am sure what I didnt convey this enjoyment with this “pleasure ” in mind ….. So here goes I do enjoy swimming alot in the sea and rivers lakes and pools …however I have see the things that also swim in the sea ..so often my pleasure is coloured by the knowledge that there is big things with teeth that also enjoy swimming ….. Anyone in cornwall near Mousehole.. there are others swimming in the water besides yourselves as recently as yesterday …I have seen them all 16ft of them ….. I suggest a very thick wet suit, goggles and a big stick ….
Today at work rather embarrassing moment my new wig was discovered in the locker room …being a congenital fantasist I could not just say it was mine , instead I explained I was breaking it in for my mother who lost her hair last week after she got locked in a fridge freezer in tesco over night ..I went on to explain when the staff found her they accidently tore her hair off her scalp trying pull her her out of the frozen deserts ..my line manager was certain I was not entirely candid but seemed happier with my fibbing rather than find out the actual reason I brought an auburn wig to work as my PPE. ..
“Alright and finally maurice repeat the words what’s the worst that can happen? ..remember anxiety is the thought of an uncontrollable event …and what we have learnt in truth is there is no flaming diesel engine hurtling at you at high speed” …..The only problem as I closed my eyes repeating this mantra was the ground trembled and I really could smell the smoke ….several days later waking up in resus an EMT holding my hand implored “Jesus Mr OCONNELL never have we come across a case like yours why didn’t you get out of the way …from within my charred husk of The Irish Patient …I rasped I was told all threats and dangers were imagined all in the head I was told !!!…..The nurses came forward in utter disbelief “but surely you must have realised it was an actual train, actually on fire actually running you over??” …again “Not at all not a bit of it” ….two other nurses brought over a trolley and smiling “we found your legs in a hedge yesterday ! ..would you like to keep what’s left of them? shall we put them with your ear and these tufts of your hair? … Thank you …
There was at least 234 times when as children we realised we had gone too far …always difficult trying find ways to avoid implication …now ten barns .three cars many children and several washing lines later we realised that perhaps ..perhaps we were the horrid rotten creatures , that mother had described to the duty sargent on the many occasions she secured our release …
A note on the bosch A rated door explaining but not excusing the footprints ,the distorted halloumi. ….socks and biro scribblings …The landlord was just passing by but had decided to stay …sipping a cup of Viles disease free tea ..She enquired ” How long does he spend in (fridge time )?….A laconic voice from under the settle offered ..”We try not to keep the fridge well stocked so he will come out when he is hungry which is ironic given the locale of his spirit journey !”….this has been the longest so far he spent last night in the vegetable tray on a bed of lettuce …..my guess is Sunday everything will be back to normal.