Monthly Archives: April 2017

Fathers oral cavity


Father’s  oral cavities struck fear into the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable members of the family ..Big maurice in his prime commanded saucepans of boiled potatoes now in his dotage would ..snore in his fatigued settle …His jaw dropped to a gape, slowly  revealing a ivory cavities resembling the lesser mountains of the himalyan mountain range..this combined with the otherworldly sound of his larynx rasping reduced the infant audience to tears …The adult would with the assistance of duct tape  close and tape up the  cavity filled cavern …a new sinual trumpeting  would commence with nasal hair flapping like prayer flags from each nostril with each sonorous exhale


Tenants of The Garden of Eden 


We were innocent  much like those first tenants in the garden of Eden ..we without shame guilt fear or a modern sense of self we lived like eagles and our inner thoughts not more advanced than that of the hag fish ..mirrors were reflections and never geniflections .we were beyond pride without arrogance we were with the gods .mother dressed us without concern for taste or fashion , her merry scissors trimmed our hair based on whatever TV programme (mainly bewitched) she had recently watched  and although most of the siblings were boys there was no reason for societal norms to dictate how her boys should look . We were like a lost tribe beyond society .It was father’s Olympus camera that introduced a kind of boitrius it was not a sweet delicious desert wine that it created so at the tender age of 15  were spat out of our shangri la and so I asked mother if that autumn I might discard my rather airy and liberating gingham dresses but more importantly if the bob  could desist from that moment on .


Me and the Maco Shark


FRESH WATER SWIMMING…. not sure where to start with this one…..  sat quietly in the corner  of workshop.. the door is kicked open  a rather manic gallerist …bursting into the room  rupturing the late afternoon  tranquilty …. with arms failing , leggings and hat  merges  two conversations into one ..”I must have  this! I must have this! …when can I have  this ? …. with…   “you must understand how awful it is to have a swimming pool  that no one uses  “…..in mid sentence she  sees  my legs   and then me   “ooh ”     after  very excited  introductions   I return  to my quiet corner …  I profer  how much I enjoy  fresh water  swimming ….. oohhh  the gallerist replies …. What is not apparent  in my statement   is the recent  discovery  that  pleasure and fear  are processed in similar ways  (or so I was recently  persuaded to understand )   ..I am sure  what I didnt  convey   this enjoyment  with  this “pleasure ” in mind ….. So here goes  I do enjoy swimming  alot in  the sea  and rivers lakes  and pools …however I have see the things that also swim in the sea  ..so  often my pleasure is coloured   by  the knowledge   that there is big things with teeth  that also enjoy swimming ….. Anyone  in cornwall  near  Mousehole.. there are others swimming in the water  besides yourselves  as recently as yesterday …I have  seen them  all 16ft of them ….. I suggest  a very thick wet suit, goggles and a big stick ….


The Auburn wig


Today at work rather embarrassing moment  my new wig  was discovered in the locker room …being a congenital fantasist I could not  just say it was mine , instead I explained I was breaking it in for my mother who lost her hair last week  after she got locked in a fridge freezer in tesco over night ..I went on to explain when the staff found her they accidently tore her hair off her scalp trying pull her her out of the frozen deserts ..my line manager was certain I was not entirely candid but seemed happier with my fibbing rather than find out the actual reason I brought an auburn wig to work as my PPE. ..


What is the worst that can happen ? 


“Alright and finally maurice repeat the words what’s the worst that can happen? ..remember anxiety is the thought of an uncontrollable event …and what we have learnt in truth is there is no flaming diesel engine hurtling at you at high speed” …..The only problem as I closed my eyes repeating this mantra was the ground trembled and I really could smell the smoke ….several days later waking up in resus an EMT holding my hand implored “Jesus Mr OCONNELL never have we come across a case like yours why didn’t you get out of the way …from within my charred husk of The Irish Patient …I rasped I was told all threats and dangers were imagined all in the head I was told !!!…..The nurses came forward in utter disbelief “but surely you must have realised it was an actual train, actually on fire actually running you over??” …again “Not at all   not a bit of it” ….two other nurses brought over a trolley and smiling “we found your legs in a hedge yesterday  ! ..would you like to keep what’s left of them? shall we  put them with your ear and these tufts of your hair? … Thank you …


Too far 


There was at least 234 times when as children we realised we had gone too far …always difficult trying find ways to avoid implication …now  ten barns .three cars  many children and several washing lines later we  realised that perhaps ..perhaps we were the horrid rotten creatures , that mother had described to the duty sargent on the many occasions she secured our release …


The Richard in the fridge 


A note on the bosch A rated door explaining but not excusing the footprints ,the distorted halloumi. ….socks  and biro scribblings …The landlord was just passing by but had decided to stay …sipping a cup of Viles disease free tea ..She enquired ” How long does he spend in (fridge  time )?….A laconic voice from under the settle offered ..”We try not to keep the fridge well stocked  so he will come out when he is hungry which is ironic given the locale of his spirit journey !”….this has been the longest so far   he spent last night in the vegetable tray  on a bed of lettuce …..my guess is Sunday everything will be back to normal.