Monthly Archives: March 2017

Spaghetti


“For gods sake maurice what did the spaghetti say ?” …..for the last two years I have been living in a closed community close to the stannery town of Totnes …8 households in total who  came to depend less and less on main stream media to guide them in their decision making , regarding managing their daily life ..I like a reluctant magi found I was able to read pasta  and so I was trapped each evening just as I was about to plate up by my community who had become perilously dependent on my findings …I didnt doubt their sincerity .. I knew for a fact my spaghetti was an ill chosen indicator as to whether to pay bills , take a  choking child to hospital or punch tbe postman …but that was where I found myself …strangely however my divinations were quite reliable and quietly I guided my community through the recession…..I stood in my door way on the fourth night before my departure ..the question posed this evening was a form of russian roulette for me just three more divinations and I was free ….please let it be butter as soap?  not soap as butter ?….

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Madre Mia


No Mother’s day would be complete without the mention Conchita Anna Maria Madre Libre of DUNGANNON one of the most feared  full contact  All Ireland Lady Wrestlers with a reign of terror 1970 -1990…..20 yrs undefeated freestyle champion,  the only holder of the Rathcoole Stranglers Lifetime Achievement Award …to many she still is a living legend …and to a select few she is  just”mio madre” especially when she has you in a headlock ….happy mothers day to all the mums who are  all just that extra bit special


The Tabernacle 


Meanwhile down at the tabernacle in The Indolent  Artists Club Newlyn …” a big voice booms

 

“I will breakdown the gates of Bronze!!!

And cut through the bars of Iron!!!…

I will give you the treasures of Darkness!!!

Riches stored in secret places…

I form the light and create the darkness..

I create prosperity and create disaster!!!!

I, the Lord, do all these things !!!”
Alone voice shouts from the back of the Hall ..

“Any chance you can sort out the broadband…. its shite!!!


Somebody in my eye


We had been in A & E only a matter of minutes ..I was rushed into a consulting room …as ever I looked as if I was suffering from  extremely good health …a disbelieving EMT  held my gaze and interrogated “So Mr o’connell What is the so called problem? ….”I think I have someone in my eye !” …” Something !” …”Some one has been bothering me ..In my eye “… I had this happen before the English language works if you do not assume meaning ….”Some thing !” .”..Someone   I have seen them it’s definitely not a thing it’s a one !”….The EMT left the room and a consulting optometrist stroke therapist arrived …”let’s have a look shall we Mr OCONNELL when did you first notice she was in your I ?….It was now clear that this was going to be a long night ….”My I saw someone in my eye when I saw them in my eye !!!!””….Staff began to gather behind my privacy screen as the word went about resus regarding my degenerate eye …oops sorry the person was behaving in a provocative manner and exploiting my gelatinous iris….The EMT had started shouting at my eye  without much success …..I was given some eye drops and referred to out patients ..my notes were a mess of contradictions eye, I, me,  thing, some one, some thing  it was suggested in clear underlined biro ..If she hasn’t gone in three days  to try chopping onions and flush her out .


The Great Sock Story 


Seeing as it’s Friday  ….have I ever told you The Sock Story ?…. Two rather lonely and quarrelsome socks sat around a fire in out of the rain …Both a bit worse for wear and grumpy both wanted to tell their story ….The great Sock Story about two  rather lonely and quarrelsome  socks  who sat in out of the rain around a fire …Each one tired and weary  …Well they both wanted to tell their story ..which of course was the now infamous great sock story …this was a story about two really spiteful quarrelsome  lonely socks who found themselves caught in a storm on a dark wild night  having found shelter they lit a fire and dried themselves off when they were ready they both stood up because they wanted to tell of a great epic tale The Great Sock story each sock was sure that their version was better and so the night extended all the way til dawn …all that could be heard that night was the  owls hooting  foxes barking wolves howling wind roaring rain beating on bark ..cattle stirring ..rivers gushing  and of course the noise of thise two rather lonely quarrelsome socks fighting over who should tell the tale of the two lonely quarrelsome socks trying tell The great sock story, one of greatest stories a sock could tell if they ever got round to telling it .In truth what they and many socks like them didn’t realise The Great Sock  Story was the greatest story that was never told  and the more it never got  told the greater the story became  and so if you ever come across two socks  in a woods on a dark wet windy night and you invite yourself to their fire,  if they offer to tell you a great story but disagree who should tell it, be careful not to intervene as this is a story that should never get told and rest assured it will be  a long night without sleep but what a story you can tell, of the night two lonely and quarrelsome socks sat with you around a fire and offered to tell you the greatest story never to be told!!!!!! …

……addendum:  of course in its full original Latin  version it has a bit more drama …


Door knocking 


Briefing people on the Dos and Donts of door knocking whether to accept that invite for a cup of Tea ..In a loud voice” look out for the obvious signs ”  a timid voice asked” like wha?”t …I pressed the button for tbe next slide …and directed the question “cup of tea or I  should  go to get back to my collegue?”


Fathers competency


Father suffered immensely from ineptitude  ..mother capable beyond explanation  often delegated duties to father ….with six off spring trips to the beach were fraught with many dangers …we were contained in the hill man minx for 45 mins before being allowed access to the foreshore ..father would return sweating and panting …mother with her small derringer  chaperoned us to the individual sandpits ..In turn we each were submerged in sand upto our heads …rendered immobile …The parents could then relax …from his deck chair father would intermittently check his watch for the high tide …glancing up from under his fedora in case a random crab attempted to pull at our ears ….