Monthly Archives: February 2017

Glad to have you Onboard


“Maurice we are delighted to have you on board …we thought seeing as it was your first day we would ease you in …nothing to hectic …Lionel can show you what tickling the alligators entails   and boys please remember to wash your hands afterwards”…..not sure if there is such a thing as verbal dyslexia …but I was sure it was meant to be “tackling”….perhaps a Spoonerism. ..malapropism. …tickling hmmm mm. ….easing out is the issue ….where do start…big teeth  ..Small teeth ..or teeth


First day in the new Job


First day in the new job ..and I was the bubbly chat guy in the open plan office …I felt my extraordinarily good hearing and an answer and suggestion regarding everyone else work ….was very helpful .It was a rather odd notice in the executive toilet that she’d an entirely different light on how things were progressing ….seated tight lipped I reassess my progress in this corporate environment. …….


Comfortable clothing


In your case Maurice you are not to dress in whatever your comfortable in!! …we really need to check what your going to wear to your interview ….seriously maurice the stripes will not do ..I repeat no stripes …..and can we rehearse  all of your answers …If we find out you mention mesapotamian foreign policy in any way…..you if asked have no hobbies ..and  definitely  you can’t shew them your shark bite ….. yes you will have to wear shoes ….no you especially do not need hair clips …Today will be a day when you are not to relax and be yourself …now empty your pockets …. a can some one check his car and remove to jump leads ……no there no need for an eye patch !!!  God help us all Goodluck  sort of !


Lard information Council


And what annoyed me the most  was not the dubious message of the poster ..but that the Lard information council  seems to be taking a back seat on the issue of… please excuse me but it gets graphic from here on in …..ready  …besides the loss of bladder control from excessive access to ketamin  it is the anal weeping caused by trans fats  increasingly used in favourite savoury snacks ..these fats are used in the preparation of such gastronomic delights as cheese balls  currently available in every supermarket, own branded of course …In my prime I could consume ..4 ×150gms bags in one sitting …anyway the transfats  are designed so they travel straight through your body with out absorption …a bit like Teflon food  tasty but that’s it with a side affect of weep age  ….now back to the anal weeping ….of course unless you are like me and have studied “savoury snacks in a post structuralist economy”  ….you just wouldnt have a clue …so in summary  why have the happy people at the Lard information council  not been more vocal ….Apologies for the copracentric nature of the post …


Public Toilets


Was refused entry to mens toilets in Sainsbury superstore this morning because of my uncanny resemblance to a deceased member of the Swedish Royal family … I was lost for words… asked customer service for more information …apparent ly their data protection policy would not  allow them disclose the actual member in question … So I raced over to my local library and this was the closest I could find …


Displaced  Weight


​The utter beauty of displaced weight as the artisan carries his weight on his forefoot …teetering happily in his elevated state ..face pressed …arm hooked …to give instructions as to this particular gait would in truth destroy the marvel of man’s odd relationship with his habitat  his utility of body and tools to create a moment of gentle but accomplished gymnastry……all while wearing a fine hat …


Pluto grabs a haunch


​”Maurice you seem a bit uncomfortable …perhaps prudish ..I am sure you have seen a nuuuuude before  maurice?” ….In truth I was a bit troubled ..It was the John Wayne thing all over again …I cleared my throat …”I just think the daughter of what’s his name would have not allowed Pluto squeeze her so hard …to illustrate the point I grabbed our tour guide by the haunch and mimicked the grip on proserpina’s leg “..I continued “..nevertheless it seems like unreasonable force to detain even a god …and with regard to the nuuuuude as you so strangely put it,  is it not a bit dramatic?  they might have left a bit to the imagination it is art after all” …The tour guide’s haunch was purple with very clear finger prints left behind she blushed at the momentary thought that I supposed she might be likened to a goddess of fertility …I stepped back, several Italian tourists were making comparisons  despite the fact that Pluto’s hand was nearly twice that of mine  and more importantly I was quite hairy and fully clothed (with emphasis on the th)…