Table Manners

​When I first wrote these anecdotes .They were on  photocopy pamphlets with instructions to be read out loud ..and so tonite I write this with an amount of difficulty ….So for those who have actually met my mother or have an image based on these jaundiced recollections I ask you to be seated when reading past this point , and under no circumstances should you be near someone with a hot drink …..ok here goes … despite the outward appearance of suburban sophistication  our home life had its moments or what I call punctuations …having force fed us malt extract and encouraged plenty of exercise we have all grown to what a recent observer described as being a  company of ” silver back gorillas “..mother in recent years has shrunk slightly   but as I leaf through our non existent family  photos I am reminded of one singular fact about mother during the 70s. …..we had rigid but not strict discipline at home and mealtime was no exception ….sorry just one, mother , who had a rather peculiar habit  which only appeared when friends were over for dinner …..The table gifted with upto and on this occasion over 9 hungry mouths would ravage large pots of potatoes  and with the careful use of garlic the  fried liver in seasoning was welcomed by all .. however what was not welcome , ..mothers ability to belch …without warning with two fists thrust in the air like an opera singer about to sing an aria she would silent stare at my father and release an unearthly bellow from within her belly  lasting upto a minute ….to help the reader if you can imagine a bull walrus defending it’s territory. …The first occasion this happened  father a confident public speaker and mild mannered politician  asked all the children to leave the table  while  dessert was being made ….The second time  my friend daragh aged 9 had to be collected by his parents  … mother has never explained the frequency and bellicose nature of these outbursts  as I write this I am reminded of our kitchen windows rattling and my infant  sister crying as the deafening blast gurgitated from her gaping mouth…and now in her dotage we often see a twinkle in her eye especially on big family meals out when a member of staff asks if everything was to our satisfaction ….us her children are poised like panthers  ready to intervene in case she feels obliged to  reply …. as a footnote This was not easy to write…..just think 74 and bull walrus…I ask you ? 


About mauricewoconnell

Maurice OConnell is a Creative based in Cornwall concentrating on Writing and Unique theatrical appearances.. He continues to imagine a world twice as exciting and dangerous than it could possibly ever be View all posts by mauricewoconnell

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