Monthly Archives: November 2016

The Jilted Pachyderm

​It in truth was not our elephant ..she was not ours to keep …she on the other hand had developed an unhealthy affection for us both  ..and we were at a loss as to how let her down gently …for in truth a love lorn pachyderm can not be consoled just  like an ordinary jilted lover …so there we sat til the cover of dark …and there was she unconsoleable   and yes we were  very conscious that elephants never forget …ever mindful of what happened to barnard baptiste in Morpeth  many years ago ….


A Bite and a Sting

​The key difference between a BITE and a STING   our camping trips revealed more to us about our own nature than that of nature itself ..often returning to villa in the Ruhr Valley we had little recollection at all of our weekends away ..

Who wants to be a man ?

​”Who wants to be the man ?”    I rise to my full stature and declare in my mid baritone.. “I am a man !”  “Sit down you were a man last week !”    I stand up again   lowering myself briefly to adjust my  T strap shoes .  I kick my dress forward for emphasis  and provoke “and I am a man today !”  ” well then dress like one next time!” … The ladies  were delighted as my choice of clothing had unsettled the gender transference among some in attendance … but most they were worried I would topple them over during the swoon  in the dance sequence we were currently trying to undertake …..

Bums , Boobs and Willies !

​Bums Books and Willies !!! Steam billowed from the health suite as my voice heralded a non existent inundation of flesh …Since leaving Totnes and the various visceral goings on in the wet section of its health centre I have avoided  such places ..being a dank dark deary dull dismal disappointing day I found my self entirely alone in the treatment rooms steam rooms sauna and jacuzzi even the shared toilet was empty  I felt like a miscast character from a woody Allen movie …anyway even the staff declined to make an appearance I recited my chant to no affect BUMS BOOBS BOTTOMS NINNIES AND WILLIES

Mothers early life

​Mothers early life  has  never  been openly discussed or explored  and  causaul enquiry had been met  rebuttals normally seen  in  well funded miniseries  commissioned by channel.4  and so we  can only piece together fragments from the occasionally discarded shards she accidently uses to light her cigarillos …..of course we are none the wiser as the narrative is  firmly preambled with ITS NOBODIES BUSINESS WHO I AM

Sylvie`s rather enigmatic grandmother

​Sylvie sits shivering in the back of the car ..I pass her a traditional  chicken tikka pastie …we both agree it’s getting late in the year for our dartmoor river swims …sniffling she looks at  me ..I smile ….despite shivering and looking decidedly hyperthermic she is content ….her chatter  slowly returns to her enigmatic grandmother  ..granny Ireland ….daddy   when did granny Ireland stop working with the circus …I am never sure but I remember it had something to do with the smoking ban ….shall we go? Doctor Who is on in half an hour ..”.okay daddy .”..we both fling our half eaten pasties out the side  window hitting two hill walkers ……