Monthly Archives: September 2016

Painters Colic 


​”Painters colic” I declared on the discovery of my ninth wife to be  supine in a rather delightful tableau …for in truth my future fiance was out of character in the painting ..she rarely if ever revealed her eyes

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Leaving Alexander platz


​”Leaving Alexander platz.” you said …so many memories ..so many secrets ..you said leaving Alexander platz would be the answer …we met at the station  you had been crying …we had agreed never to talk of it again …Leipzig would save us  and even now this was such a long time ago …we never reached  Leipzig …we had decided to.complete our journey on foot 40 miles short of our destination …you shewed me a great forest a forest you had known as a child we carried our shoes and walked barefoot and carefree…we spent several nights there …and for a time we found a kind of  peace and lots of slugs ….on the day before …you ran to me with a whisper I shall never forget it suggested so much at the start “It can never be the same !” Your hand grabbed my neck and you bit my ear off ….at that was the last time I saw your beautiful smile and the last time I had two ears …Regina I do miss  you and my ear!!!


Cookie Cutter Sharks 


​”Cookie cutter sharks “…..I said in a rather sober voice to a recently gather group of as of yet bathers ….I was drenched in blood and covered in many serated bite marks  …” thats a disgrace “shouted a miss bellamy in a less than flattering bathing cap  ..tarqwiin with a w a recently retired steiner teacher seemed to think.it was to be expected ….however Chris the personal trainer with a rather charming partner ..(.female )was very put out …for as he explained cookie cutter sharks do not frequent municipal swimming pools that are  volunteer run in partnership.with South Hams Council ….he was at pains to insist they may have bitten me  but a big but they do not like chlorine …..


Dem Apples


​I  am … or should a I say  one finds oneself in very fortunate situations  behind  my house is a community orchard  with  over 30 trees  with the rather delicious pear apple .. druid  and many more … as fortunate as i believe one is  I am not entirely sure about the company one has to keep in order to benefit from this autumal crop … as ever  my neighbour the edwardian dandy , his friend the elizabethan fop  still fine … the last of our party  was a man  who is hard to define but rest assured  all dialogue  or banter ends up with a gruesome brutal tale of human misery and depravity… we are aware of this tendancy  and with an amount of mental agility  try to find an impossibly delightful topics to share with … today  our apple scrumping  found us  heads lowered  staring at the wet grass  …with this friend spitting lumps of apple as he described a nightout  that ended up with machetes ..the SAS  and a bizarre scenario  with the protagonist  starving in the cargo hold of a ship on its way to Karachi ….because of my juvenile and unsympathetic nature …as he was reaching a pinnacle of misery and depravity  I accidently snorted my mouthful of apple out through my nose … this was followed  by uncontrollable tears and finally choking laughter ……i apologised “Do go on   you were at the part where  he started drinking his own wee!” …. i said was truly sorry   and ran  down the meadow with  tears  streaming down my ruddy  apple filled cheeks ….


Rachmaninoff`s Hands 


​”Rachmaninoff s hands “screamed mother from  with the confines of the pickling shed ….father followed by a legion of his offspring charged with sticks and clubs to her aid …Racmaninoffs hands was not code word but were his hands mother  had recently returned from.the Urals on a “mind your  own business trip”  among the various trophies she returned with besides tsar alexanders toupee was the aforementioned …


Statistics


​So the  STATISTICS wear us down with numbers  or should i say 78% do .80% of people are human  and the other 21%  are not sure …. so it goes on as numbers appear to qualify most things …but importantly  they appear to dull the senses … 75 % of communication is non verbal .. does this exclude text and fracking FB … i am asked why I talk … I smile and  reply ”

glibly ” it keeps my non verbal  communication under control “… my verbal incontinence is  masking a huge uncontrolable desire and need to express myself  in every way but words … I once caused much upset because I wouldnt walk using the same footstep to move forward attempting new steps each time which gave the impression to observers that I was not entirely in control of my motor coordination .. the opposite was the case . My body lexicon was or is quite erudite.. when I walked properly  i was forced to talk once again … in my recent visit Belfast to talk  i was cautiously asked if my arm swinging .. lurching backwards .. wheezing were part of the talk .  I lifted my leg  .. spun on me heel  and with delight  I declared ” At least someone was listening ”  clicking my recently repaired hob nail boots . I HIGH KICKED MY WAY OUT OF THE ROOM ….


Autumnal  imagining 


​So after discussion about an over active imagination ..i took some time oit to appreciate the actual countryside …as the hustle and bustle of my town began to fade ..warm air  drew out the first breathes of autumn … elder berries  danced in the wind and the gentle thump of apples  falling to the ground .. the first growths of moss  creep across  granite outcrops …and an airplane rocks precariously from a height  in amongst the trees … i ask you   this is second crashed airplane in two days …