Monthly Archives: August 2016

Fokker


​”Fokker! !!”…I recently had the good fortune to spend a day or two in the stannary town of Ashburton  home and final resting place of Lieutenant general Charles Tucker  most of you will know of him from his successes in both the Zulu campaigns and both Boer Wars  …of course I know him as the extraordinary portrait in my childhood parlour …Tucker a name of repute in Devon and of course  the hamlet in which my residence happened to be ..I was sauntering down the high street when I bright fiesta zetec transported a rude outburst in my direction …”Fokker! !!!” A lazy arm saluted me also ….It was a light late summer  day so I waved back  shouting a guttural Anglo saxon  repost … several hours later that same day; after collecting my paella ingredients …The same car screeched to a halt …I smiled and leant on the car roof …The vehicle contained a stout man who proceeded to.apologise  profusely as he believed me to be a long lost companion ….we laughed as I explained I  believed the expletives to be friendly as in a town such as Ashburton it is uncommon to insult total strangers !!!!!


John Waynes summer visit 


​Probably my favourite memory of John’s summer visits was the evening my mothers father an ex amateur boxer and garda  decided,  to after an hearty supper of “egg goo”  go three rounds in our back garden;  of course our American visitor was in costume …grandad  a Cavan man gave him a good hiding …much to the delight of James Mason and Charles Laughton both old friends of the family on my mother’s side of course …..


We were once all Statues


​Ruddy faced and still , we lay in the long grass … from within this stillness …a voice  from above declared from within the blinding light of the hot summer sun  “you were all once statues  ! now put your clothes before I call the police !


Suyleman the magnificent


​My consultant suggested that Sulyeman the Magnificent was outside his skill set but it was NHS policy not to entertain such forms of narcissism …Carpathia my most recent soul mate  was a reassuring presence throughout the whole procedure until she spotted my face was on upside down ..when she reassessed her recently declared life life commitment to me …she confused ,twisted curiousity for the kind of love Euriphides had drawn our attention to so many centuries ago ….she grabbed my nose as a keepsake ..jumped on the park and ride and before rush hour was spotted by traffic police hurtling along the A30 in her recently leased Renault Captur.


Suyleman the magnificent


​My consultant suggested that Sulyeman the Magnificent was outside his skill set but it was NHS policy not to entertain such forms of narcissism …Carpathia my most recent soul mate  was a reassuring presence throughout the whole procedure until she spotted my face was on upside down ..when she reassessed her recently declared life life commitment to me …she confused ,twisted curiousity for the kind of love Euriphides had drawn our attention to so many centuries ago ….she grabbed my nose as a keepsake ..jumped on the park and ride and before rush hour was spotted by traffic police hurtling along the A30 in her recently leased Renault Captur.


Provenance


​And finally the fetid truth found its way into the  threshold of our auburn utopia …Mother screams in horror …”Where did you find that ?”…Father rocks to and fro  suggesting “We all get some fresh air “…I remember the day as if it was 39 years ago …In fact it was …we were seated in the lounge in our shorts profoundly  sun burnt ….Lee Marvin had an unfortunate hanging from a window …we all ahhhhed in terror and dermal discomfort… Our shouting dislodged an etching from the mantle piece ….mother twisting in her maxi skirt reached to block our gaze …at what I was later to discover was our true origin….The horrible truth was our nobility was not from two successive campaigns including Rourkes Drift nor Tibetan exploration ,or leading thousands of men to their graves in the great War ..not from warning of a possible rising of nationalists while in the employ of Dublin castle  and sadly not from being the only family to supply anaemic bears with extra blood at dublin zoological gardens but a much greater provenance, that of the oldest accolade of man that of buffoonery. …


Uncle Elizabeth


​Our Uncle elizabeth and Auntie morgan   played host to our family each summer in the idyll of their farm in the southwest of Ireland  …while fuel prices soared and armoured cars delivered money to the banks …..ourselves  and our cousins dressed in the trophies of my uncles participation in ww2 …my aunts contribution were mounds of purple hair  discarded by her mobile hairdresser … the german   helmet and desert shorts were most popular ….despite my fathers protest at our attraction to siding with the enemy   we found ourselves very  triumphant as baddies … although none of us choose  to be adolf….we seemed unconvinced by the allied expeditionary force ….