Monthly Archives: November 2014

Trouble at the Temple


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It was the day before the Sabbath . A large crowd had gathered outside the Temple , a young man named Jesus  was  speaking to all who would listen . “I am the truth ..The light ..I am eternal Salvation ..I am the son of the almighty” .It was a hot day he paused for breath and mopped his brow ..from within the crowd a small  child walked forward ..And in a strong galilean accent declared “No your not !”

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Me and Mr Earnshaw


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Brrrng brrrrng brrrng …Mr Earnshaw ? Yes Mr O’CONNELL  a rather delicate  matter   not sure if I should talk on the phone ….anyway further to my understanding that you are sort a criminal overlord  or at least active in the west Cornwall area as far as St Denis. YES  well we had a board of governor’s meeting last night  and it appears someone has been dipping into the new library fund  and according to Geoff the treasurer   Jimmy May have used monies to buy something and now it turns out what he bought was Nothing!!!!….Mr Earnshaw get to the point ? Well Mr OCONNELL we were wondering if you and Anto might have a quiet word if you no what I mean ….Okay Mr Earnshaw quite quiet or total silence ?? Oh dear well it is for the children and if the ends justify the means  might you do total silence …I tell you what Mr Earnshaw if a certain young lady gets star pupil of class 5 this month  consider it done …


ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S TEETH


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I had anticipated a full house search   what I hadn’t anticipated was the discovery in the back of my sock drawer was the discovery of Abraham Lincoln teeth …I agreed with the desk Sargent that an explanation was needed  I even asked him if he could speculate on their provenance and it might jog my memory …as the investigating officers catalogued the other rather mundane contraband including an several gallons of vanilla toilet duck ….my bail was conditional on me providing a believable explanation as to how I might have presidential teeth in my possession ..I remember being in Chicago in 2002 what I don’t remember is smashing the display case  wearing the teeth as dentures and half choking on the flight home as I attempted to consume the British airways risotto …no I was at a loss …and so I remain in a judicial limbo pending unreasonable certainity regarding the presidential dentures …


Mr Earnshaw and Me


image image Brrrng brrrng brrrng ….A rather  desperate voice asked me if it was me …I replied it was …”Thank goodness  my apologies Mr OCONNELL. I know you are a busy man …but following yesterday’s conversation regarding your daughter disclosing to the school assembly that you were a bank robber ..and my follow up conversation  to confirm you were …Well Miss Williams your daughter’s class teacher  called me late yesterday evening in tears  from her beginners pilates for people with weak bladder control ..she was unconsoleable …and  it turns out your daughter broke into.the schoolsafe   and removed several rather sensitive documents regarding myself and miss Williams  and a regretable event at Chapel Porth cafe last year ….so Mr OCONNELL  you must understand how unacceptable this is ?”…I waited and began “So Mr Earnshaw you are telling me that my 9 year old child was able to compromise the security of  the institution entrusted upon you by the parents and our rather  ludicrous government …might I suggest that you and miss Williams  reconsider the  where any concern might lie  in this rather embarrassing event …I look forward to meeting you both at the governor’s AGM next week ..as I said I may be a bit late as I have a heist on that afternoon good day Mr Earnshaw !!”


The church of the present day saints


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Much of the stannary town  of Totnes was in a deep slumber ….The quiet shuffle of late night revellers found their way into the thresholds , nooks of the coffee early houses ….yesterday was a difficult day …fake shaman was a catchall cry of the purveyors of dream catchers healing crystals and tinctures that gave inner peace and outward authority …Who were these prophets ..who were these prophets  and on whose authority could they be accused of charlatantry given the suffocating plethora of alternatives … gentle  calm mindful voice suggested I choose not the question the right of false prophets and fake shamans to decry on the high street. …


Subjectively Transmitted Diseases


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In no way a foreigner to skin disorders and dermatological eruptions I found myself alerted to possible malaise of some importance at my local gymnasium . A polite notice was resting on my in tray on my bureau when I arrived one Sunday morning to my study .As I sipped my fine blend of Costa Rica coffee it soon became apparent the scale of disorder prevailing at my fitness emporium.
Dear patron a recent outbreak of STDs (subjectively Transmitted Diseases ) notably a virulent strain of narcissism has found us taking a preventative measure as of today . All mirrors and reflexive surfaces have been removed until further notice to avoid cross contemplation .We assume you will understand and expect all members to be adult in these difficult times ..As you are aware the “Vanity clause” in the terms and conditions of membership permits such action ..yours the management  atone leisure