My annual elf check


About  this time of year all christmas elves all across  Ireland and the United Kingdom including Santa have to report to a local police station, to ensure that elves aren’t taking local jobs , immigration,right to roam and cause possible sovereign infringement as elves and Santa are bound by a universal law and ignore local protocol under the Lisbon agreement …anyway each year we have to register in order the powers that be know what elves they have in their community . Track movements etc.. you have to present yourself in your chosen outfit etc etc … Under a diversity act, enthnicity we come under “other” .. There I was with 30 odd other elves in a long queue with a sign reading” Elf permits and liscensing” …I have moved from a different elf district so I had extrapaperwork to fill out . The station duty officer looked at me distastefully… “shame on you ! “shouted a Somerset elf ” if your children knew !!!!…”Shuuuut uup” turning to me, flushed faced “You are  new to this district, there aren’t many Irish elves in the South Hams area….! ” .”…Well I don’t elf much these days in fact just for friends and family !!”…”I never liked elves and on my patch, the less I see of Elves the better !!.” He stamped my license and I was manhandled into the inoculation room . Elves like doctors get exposed to all sorts of health risks so we get inoculated as part of a trans European elf health programme …… outside in the pouring rain in the dripping lamplight  elves with a twinle in their eyes were catching up over a cigarette and several bottles of Buckfast wine … I nodded and made my way up the hill … The sound of elf bells could be heard in the distance and despite European elf guidelines and newly imposed draconian immigration laws it was beginning to feel like christmas …..


About mauricewoconnell

Maurice OConnell is a Creative based in Cornwall concentrating on Writing and Unique theatrical appearances.. He continues to imagine a world twice as exciting and dangerous than it could possibly ever be View all posts by mauricewoconnell

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