I finally plucked up the courage to take the train to exeter to RAMM a beautiful museum still in the victorian fashion… with a clip clippity clip up the stairs I approached the sign that said ALL ENQUIRIES…. a young lady retrieved a fresh enquiry form and began …. nature of research.?… me “to sort out something that has been troubling me for several weeks “… “can you be more specific?” me “Well it is a bit awkward can I speak to a more experienced curator ?” She ” I am senior research assistant !!” …. well I do think a more appriopriate staff perhaps a man ?” there was an obvious tension now and she handed me an equal opportunity policy document stating clearing public must adher to a non gender biased enquiry process….I pleaded ” but it involves an ancient civilisation !!” She “never the less our policy stands !!!” my evasive tone was obviously not getting my subtext across…Me ” it may have something to do with a mesapotamia ” in clear desperation… she started to scribble … She muttering “i dont know what all the fuss is ” louder “and? ” Me well I believe through no fault of my own ,well perhaps my own fault ..I have manifested a street map of the ancient city of UR !!! ” she “when you say manifested ,did you find it and where is it now ?” she was keenly interested but still unaware of my embarassing predicament … Me ” I am really sorry about this but I cant possibly show you it in such a public place ” and I trotted off to my local surgery . This time I was more obtuse and declared I needed to speak to my GP it was serious matter … two hours later a door opened and I was invited in …. “Well maurice how can I help you today ? “
” Well doctor I seem to have a RASH of an unusual place ! ”
Doctor “IN ! “
ME “OF ! “
” its definitely IN Maurice !! ”
“No its not I can assure you of that..I have for the last week been itching in an awkward place ! ” he hummed confidently “and I finally had a look !! I then went on the internet and I searched everywhere and I finally discovered where it was “
“what it was maurice !!”
“No doctor I known what it was all the time it was where it was that was puzzling me….doctor I have a rash in the shape of the
ancient mesapotamian city of UR on my bum”
I have had problems with my GP before so before he could press the panic button I bared my buttock with to reveal a scale street map of UR in the form of a heat rash
As i anticipated he was surprised i explained that I had been on the phone to the british museum and they have confirmed it is UR with the allowance for distortion.
with my pants back on… with a clear sense of diction i smiled and said “so doctor whats next!”
“maurice i believe it is time for us to part company …i am not going to treat a patient for skin disorders manifesting in street maps of ancient cities and i hope you do not present this to any other medical professional …. please leave us all alone …. you are ill but not in the cartographical way in which you hoped …goodbye !