Monthly Archives: May 2013

The lord wept and mothers cried tears that ran in the gutters


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The lord wept  while mothers cried tears that ran down gutters… cows milk turned sour and the sky grew dark prevent the sun from setting . The earth became a pestilence and the council of angels mocked the devil as abhorations beyond the wildest imaginations roamed  the streets and roads of the cities . As fathers tucked their infants into their beds  they described   one of  natures most fear chimera… The man with the long arms ….. sorry for the drama  but this  is what I was faced with  when I approached  one of our more prominent charity shops to explain  that I was some sort of genetic mishap and perhaps might I change my shirt for one with sleeves that fitted.

This shop has been happily seeing me vest in my new XL  format and we have been happy with each other . yesterday I attempted to purchased  a shirt  all  fine… XL  all fine …£2.75  an egyptian cotton  yves saint laurent  no less …..  this morning like most mornings I check in our rather fine vanity mirror…. to check  nothing  had grown or fallen off … to the uneducated eye  it all looked  fine …ears were looking a bit low  but that might have been a trick of the light ….. I was not prepared for the next series of unfortunate event …. on went the shirt   grand ….except for the arms  they were curiously long  this morning …not wanting scare anyone I hummed to myself and switched shirts …. there was a definite difference  in shirts …” XL with extremely short arms ” is what it did not say …. so after my roobush tea and several attempts to meta tag something   I march ed down to …. the aforementioned ….  The nice man recognised me and declared there should be no problem…..den ..den .den!!!!!!  this is the moment when of course there  is a problem .. the supervisor  could be heard ” What he has got long arms that not our fault !!! tell we are awfully sorry but we cant  refund because his arms are to long ..ask him to come back in an hour and say  “it doesnt fit  and dont mention his arms …its problematic….!!!”   For those who have read of my encounters  this sort of talk does not bode  well ….


The wreck of the earl of Abergavenny


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 So there we were   a friday  afternoon and in popped an e-mail  looking for possible things in portland …so  off i popped and discovered an awful tragedy  in a fantastic tragedy …sadly 260 lives were lost  but on a good note what a glorious  tale  of adversity and I wonder if they remember the elephant that washed up on the shore that same night ….yes i know noone else knows about it but so what … the plop thickens 


mother and father the whole truth and nothing but something like the truth


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 To help the reader i must give a brief foundation  or root cause to some of this waivering from what  people call reality …in truth  everything in this blog and the facebook updates are actually true but remarkably sound untrue ….. as they say look at the child and you will see the parents…  my father is a very highly educated man  but lacks a braod imagination  my mother  wont let us know if she was educated but the evidence  points to a very active imagination …. throughout our lives my father  like some innocent missionary  trying save doomed souls  would in fact tell us numerous truth..he has an extraordinary understanding of the facts  and as children  he would sit in his study and explain the world as he saw it and then point to the numerous books to back up his propositions. . in the dark light of his study six children would stare back at him in total disbelief…we knew he knew we did not accept any of it …..we would turn on our heels and slam the door firmly shut  leaving him to reconsider the facts as he saw them….. my mother however  with no ground to stand on would explain that she went out with  the fifth Beatle   possibly dated jimmy connors the tennis player….crows were responsible  for missing items of clothing, she was able to talk to bees ,joey the robin lived in our garden for at least 17yrs and follwed us throughout three subsequent moves, all black and white telly programmes were suitable ,it was colourtelly that did most of the damage  and all manner of harmful instructions regarding salt and vinegar crisps.. the list went and so long it was that it is embedded  in our heads….again  faced with  post enlightenment reason with scholarlly support or pre-christain nonsense  we went choose  my mother path to truth….. and this is where the tricky bit was  i believe  my mother was suspicious of the truth and that it indeed would lead to underdeveloped minds  she felt  if a child handed over their child weary clothes to be washed and the child believed that perhaps these items might end up at the bottom of the garden buried among the leeks …this child believed  would be better equpped for a world  that  only  had just come to terms  with one moon landing … the truth  she said was more trouble than it is worth and how was she to know how the crows managed to get a shovel dig a hole and only bury  trousers….all she knew was no one had a better explanation had they  !!!  still glad to have reached our early teens  we learned our father cambridge education was no match for this logic   and to this day  my mother when challenged about her relationship with the Beatles  replies Why do have bring up the past ? and you not happy with the present …..and before you say anything  i dont know how they buried your pants .


IS IT TRUE YOU GOT THAT RASH ?


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Brrrrng brrrng ” hello maurice  your father just called he says you said you have that Rash!” .Me…”I said nothing of the sort …I asked to him stop talking about auntie eilish everytime I call and I never mentioned that Rash !!! ”   Mother  ” How bad is it ?” ME… “Very bad he keeps repeating himself and doesnt listen” ……Mother…”I wouldnt put gylcerine on it    do you have any yoghurt ? ”   Me ..”.I have plenty of yoghurt but I am not putting  it on my nonexistent rash !”…….Mother “Oh is that what the doctor said ? ” Me.. ” No he said nothing !” Mother ….”Well  he doesnt sound like a very good doctor to me !”  Me ”  He is a great doctor , I have not spoken to him in weeks “….Mother …”I thought you said he said nothing “….Me”  Listen mother  you rang me with a basket of nonsense  supposedly from dad… there is no rash ..no doctor  and no bloody yoghurt going anywhere .”….Mother..”.I thought you said you had lots of yoghurt?”  …Me … “Good lord  give patience!”… Mother  “well maurice,  you say you dont have that rash  your father mentioned earlier but you do sound a bit itchy ?…

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Is it okay if I call you Mr OConnell


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IS IT OKAY IF I CAN CALL YOU MR OCONNELL?  Well I really think we will get on better you you do just that ….Thank You Mr OCONNELL how can I help you ….well it really is very simple  …you have my birthdate wrong in my security question   and each time you call and ask me my birthdate i ask should i tell the truth or lie …your collegue suggests its against the law to lie  and that with recent events escalating  basically everywhere  it is best not to get into an arguement …..I see Mr OConnell …the problem is  we dont know if you are trying to steal an identity …..I am  i declare with delight….MY OWN !!!  By some twist of orwellian prophesy  I am nolonger me …and as you exist in a call centre in marsh barton  I cant actually present myself ….Mr OConnell when we stop deny you access to your identity ?  ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN YOU DISCOVERED I EXISTED THEN I ALL THE PAPERWORK  PAUL DECIDED I WAS BORN 3 DAYS BEFORE MY ACTUAL BIRTHDATE ……can you prove this ?  Yes very simply ask me birthday very fast …and you will find it is exactly three days after the day which you have in your machine  ….silence…Mr OConnell can we call you on your landline ..Great go for it !    Brrrng brrng  hello is that you mr oconnell ?  Yes it is me !!!!! Can we just go through a quick security check   Date of ……………..

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Neurasthenia


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As will all research   you really have to be careful  what you read  and who you read …my father  was on phone  and i was trying to get a book from ….I waited in silence for a reply and hung up  ….i thought he had also hung up  but in fact he was still talking 30 mins later when I heard a voice coming from my  trousers mostly from by back pocket  …much to my relief  it turned out to be my my phone  and not my recently manifested rash ……not even sure i should share this anyway ..peopoe say mocking is catching….well i got the rash I made fun of in my previous posts……nerves or neurosthenia…was first talked about in the late 1800s and recently has been removed from medical diagnosis….freud who was a bit on the wrong side of sane he decided that if you did not get enough cultural output or exposure your body reacted with lethargy and disassociation . He believed nerves were the privilge of the leisured clasd..i wont go into his less savoury understanding of the condition emmission etc etc ….freud declared electrocution as an ineffective treatment ….and recommended a greater involvement in the arts and outdoor pursuits …According to wiki nuerosthenia is still available in non western medecine and in japan they recommend no culture for months and then a gradual return…you know you are better when you are abke to enjoy some hardcore german opera

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Dr Guillotine


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So all the fuss  has died down and everyone  has forgotten  about the roaring and shouting and name calling  by me … As I sit down I noticed some change to the layout of  The Curator Cafe ….with a word of hesitation I order my americano ….and decide to wait before  I speak  …. The american  writer at the neighbouring  table  seems  tired  but suddenly perks up …Dr Guillotine  was trying to find the most humane way of executing people ..and removing the head from  the body was the best way head in bucket …she beams a smile at everyone …. what is happening?   The customers are decidely edgey ….children whisper to their parents  Can we get one of those “guilty things”  ….I like a nervous outlaw  reach for  sunglasses  and leave without making  my excuses   …some days its best  not  …..to even go there …public execution  I ask you  …in front of children ..I would not get away with it.

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