The Bay Horse

To the very beautiful opulent dame in the Bay Horse  last night, who had her purse ..iPhone ..High heels .lipstick..Gucci sunglasses chenille wrap and voucher for free  colonic irrigation using extra virgin olive oil ..all purloined by a large 6ft 4 irish raconteur with a inflated sense of self who lives on the farm  just up the road …he wants to know where your eyeliner is ?

Health Retreat

So a weekend on real ale was beginning to allow me take stock  a moment of reflectivity ..a recently acquired voucher found me guest at a Dartmoor health retreat …I had been subjected to a regime of detox treatments which left feeling some what ” evacuated” …a sweet creature with translucent skin  enquired after my gut flora …unfamiliar with this sort of talk  I slapped her face for such impudence …It was later when she returned with two like minded brigands offering to repopulate my colon that I decided enough was enough ….St Pauls journey on the road to damascus came to mind this case my epiphany came to me in the Widdecombe arms as I rejoined a delightful dark berry cider

Head of Alfredo Garcia

I was on my way back from a delightful evening in Bath  myself and a debutante were at a loss as to where next our light entertainments might lead ; as although the nights were drawing in there was still time for a creme de menthe,  as if sensing our unmentioned quandary an underpaid member of a formerly nationalised service asked if indeed he might help in anyway …my companion who was not quite on first name term with myself  seized the moment and replied as follows in her broad Devon accent “OH WOULD  YOU MIND AWFULLY BRINGING US THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA? ”

An Angel to watch over me

AN ANGEL TO WATCH OVER YOU ….. All was not quite right at 12 Rostrevor Rd  . The ill timed purchase of a colour television to coincide with the first broadcast of The Exorcist  had meant that father had to stay up most nights to ward off the many and varied paranormal manifestations . Tired and exhausted he gathered his family together around the kitchen table which only hours before had hosted ectoplasm evacuations from his attention seeking middle child .Close inspection revealed that the bile sodden manifestations were in fact  bedsheets from the above mentioned child …His previous nights levitation and head spinning remained as of yet without explanation . Father reassured everyone including himself that God in his infinite mercy allowed us suffer unbound terror and horror but never alone . father explained that each h and everyone of us which only exception had an angel to watch over us . Mother  rose from her chair propelled by her own intent and not an otherworldly force ..she pointed across the room to her fourth born who was floating in a nightshirt screaming Latin obscenities at everyone ..”With the exception of him !”  father ever the diplomat  suggested ” yes indeed every now and again God leaves Maurice Wilhiem to his own devices ….”regretting he had ever allowed that child access to polite society.

My summer in the Sierra

MY FIRST SUMMER IN (the)SIERRA… like most writers of our times my life was not always that of a layabout and a nerthewell I once was a hardworking conscientious blue collar worker from Dagenham …hapstances took.a twist and found me in the fortunate position of redundancy and the proud owner of a Sierra …This was to be my first summer in the Sierra not in anyway to be confused with that experience written by a Mr Muir much early than this event ..any how …there I was just 34 yrs of age and my heart set on the A3891

Sold my face on ebay 

SOLD MY FACE  on Ebay  on thursday  ..went down to Boots  chemist  got some face remover  worked a treat .rhen .down to the nice chaps at FEDEX   guaranteed next day delivery …last night went out on one of my now notorious dates  where she ..being Lucretia  admitted she would have liked to have met a man with a face .. laughing loudly between  course she suggested I might get a new one before our next date …please note she said next one …

I dare not show my face 

Well I dare not show my face …. wel, I couldnt as I sold it …but you know what I mean under bandages was a little claustrophobic and my eye wept continously for as I discovered eyelids are very handy … it was the nose I miss tne most as sneezing was a disaster. ..hey how ..mustnt grumble   ..